why I can't renounce my faith

I was brought up in a Christian home, went to church with my family all through childhood and adolescence, I was baptised and confirmed, went to sunday school and youth group.  We said grace at dinner in my house, taking the Lord's name in vain was deeply frowned upon, I always had a bible of my own and an understanding of christianity that was a combination of what my parents told me, what I learned in church and what I came to find on my own. I never viewed my relationship with God or with the church as "religion" 
As I grew up and developed my own sense of self, I also developed a personal relationship with God and my own faith. I was never forced or brainwashed, I was always happy to attend church and other events with my youth group or family or other christian friends  I was more than comfortable to indentify as a Christian. As a teenager I became quite bold in my faith, outspoken and passionate, I was chapel captain in my final year of high school and leader at my local youth group. I spent my friday nights running games nights at church and looked forward to it each week. My faith has always been very real and personal, and I have always been and still am, quite offended when others claim that Christians are "blind followers" or "naive" or uneducated. In the last few years, my outward "christianness" has become tepid, I no longer go to church and there is less certainty to my belief system. However I maintain that I still have a faith and a belief in the higher power I call God, and there are several reasons why I still hold onto that, why I would never totally renounce my faith. I have never considered myself to be agnostic or atheist. I am not totally closed off to my original beliefs.  

The first and most important of these reasons is that the higher power I call God never fails to provide me with evidence that he is real and present in my day to day life. I have a very clear memory from my early childhood- I must have been about 4 years old- when my grandmother was explaining the concept of prayer to me. She showed me an article in the newspaper about a sick little girl whose father couldn't afford her treatment. My grandma told me that I should include this girl in my prayers, and I did pray that night that God would help her dad find money to pay for her treatment. A short time after this, there emerged the news that this little girl's father had found a way to pay for her treatment and she was better. That has stayed with me my whole life.  I still pray every night for safety and peace, and every morning I wake unharmed and rested. I also pray before an important event; an exam or job interview that I do well, and if nothing else it always calms me and I am able to proceed with a clear head and confidence.  

I have been extremely blessed particularly in finding jobs- I am never out of work and timing between ending one job and finding a new one is always perfect in terms of what I need at a particular time. I also find that whenever I'm feeling lost or alone, I discover people who seem to be placed in my path for the exact purpose of providing guidance or support, or even a kind word that is perfectly suited to my needs at that time. I feel- and judge me all you want, but I firmly believe I have guardian angels wherever I go. 

These signs are too obvious to ignore. It would be simply ignorant to deny that I am not being taken care of by someone or something that is bigger than all of us. 

This is not an evangelical post. I believe that faith is something personal and different for each individual.  Whether it is a complete way of life or something that comforts is entirely down to your own personal beliefs. But this is an explanation for why I belief in something.  And why I won't stop. 

girlcrush

So, I have not written on this blog for so long, but when I logged on I realised that I posted something four days before my 22nd birthday, so not as long ago as I thought. That's something, I guess.

Right now my boyfriend is watching Game of Thrones downstairs so I'm up here internet stalking my favourite female singer, Isabella Manfredi. This may be really ridiculously lame but I like to entertain the idea that she knows exactly who I am, since I'm a crazy fangirl and have been to basically all her Melbourne shows in the last year and a half, and talked to/bumped into her at each one. I have accidentally ran into her in public bathrooms at gigs on more than one occasion, so she might actually think I'm a freak. Oops. In an interview I watched she admitted that her favourite movie is Everafter with Drew Barrymore, which is by far one of my favourite chick flicks. I would like to think that in some other life, we'd be friends. But probably not, she's way too cool for me. What's important (and really cheesy) though is that watching and reading about her tonight has inspired me to get back to my blogging, which in the past has acted for me as refuge, therapy, a place to be creative or just to babble about nothing and everything. I neglect this blog a lot these days, but at one time I used to love to write, to string together words and create what I thought was sometimes beautiful, and what others sometimes told me was quite good. I'm under no illusions that I could have a great career as a writer, but writing is something I have always loved to do, and I think it's important in this day and age where so many things seem hopeless, and the world is getting quite scary and unwelcoming, to do the things you love. We are responsible for our own lives, our own happiness, so maybe this will be a return for me to taking on that responsibility. I don't want to be scared and unhappy anymore. I'm fighting back. 

looking back and looking forward.

So, I'll be turning 22 in 4 days. it's a little scary, how fast time passes, how much can change in the blink of an eye. this time last year, I was anticipating my 21st birthday, however I was not in a good place emotionally or psychologically. I was angry, scared, depressed, alone. Now, I get comments from others about how different I seem. a friend said to me last night, 'I'm glad you're happy'. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am happy. I'm not 100% sure what I want to do with my life, but I'm figuring it out and that's okay. I'm comfortable with that. I've fallen in love, found the person I know i will spend the rest of my life with. I know I will never be alone again, and i take a great amount of comfort in that. I feel safe, and loved, and never alone. Life isn't all peaches and cream, I still have ups and downs, bad days and cases of the mean reds. But I now have someone to pull me out of a slump, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. My best friend is back home, which feels great. I'm surrounded by people i love and care about, and have purged my life of toxic people who only seek to bring me down. I've had a rough journey, been hurt, neglected those people and things that matter, made mistakes at every turn. But i've come out fighting, stronger and happier than I ever thought I could be. I didn't get everything I wanted or thought I would have by this point in my life, but I've got such a long way to go still, and hopefully I'll keep growing and get to where I want to end up. In the meantime, I have a network of people who won't let me fall, and someone who loves me and would do anything for me, who will always be there. I see a future of love and laughter, of starting a family someday. I can now look at those who hurt me and poisoned my life, and who embody my mistakes, and not cower. I'm strong, I'm over it, and I won't let my past ghosts haunt me anymore. 22 will be a good year. 

alliwantforchristmas

'tis the season. i could write a deeply emotive post, heavy on the sentiment and goodwill, about the true meaning of christmas, about family, giving not receiving, et cetera. but i don't overly feel like it, because ya'll probably know all that by now, and if you don't, get off my blog. kidding. maybe.
anyway, here are a couple of lists. christmas wishlists to be exact, one materialistic and one perhaps with a slight dose of sentimentality. we'll see. 

All I want for Christmas (the 'me' list)
 a 'hot' body. flat stomach, abs, toned and lean and flab-free.
lots and lots of books. preferably by john green, also i wouldn't mind that jennifer weiner book that she wrote and i have yet to buy myself because it still costs more than i am willing to spend on a book. 
an acceptance from the university course i applied to.
a better job than the one i have now.
a kitten.
more madagascan vanilla flower eay de toilette from the body shop, cos it smells so damn good.
a chance to dance with ellen.
maybe a few other things. some dumbells and a pilates mat perhaps. i don't know.

All I want for Christmas (the list i probably should write. I do mean it, though.)
The Australian Government to get off their fecking high horse and legalise marriage equality already. GOOD GRIEF!!
for people (myself included) to stop being such self-indulgent tool faces and get some perspective about things.
more motivation to do the things i should do, like go to the gym more, study rather than procrastinate, et cetera
the people i love to have their troubles lessened. comfort for those who have lost loved ones, healing for those who are sick or hurting, and the ability to make peace with less-than-ideal situations
for myself: to be able to switch off and let go, to not worry about the things out of my control, and to not be so afraid.

Also, a reflection:
The year started out, well to be completely honest, not so great. I was depressed, angry, scared, and alone. But in time, i was able to heal somewhat, make peace with certain aspects of my recent not-so-nice past, and i learned who my true friends are, and re-realised how blessed i am to have such an amazing support network of people who care about me. I found real love, something i didn't expect to find for a while, and it was unexpected, and it was a little bit scary, and it's been a learning curve, but it's also the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me, and i'm much happier now than i was for a long time before. I have watched (from afar), a very special friend grow and change and I've never been prouder of her. i've come to have a new appreciation for my family, even though they still make me crazy sometimes. and i think i've become less selfish, because i have someone else to worry about, and want to make happy. I've had a rest, gained a lot of perspective, and i'm ready for whatever the future holds for me. i'm ready for change, and challenge, and a fresh start. and i think that's all i could have asked for. so thanks. 

What I Like About You

i love the creases around your eyes when you smile
i love the way you laugh in a totally innocent, unjaded way
i love how you sing terribly off-key and get the lyrics wrong, but are unashamed about it
i love how you pretty much always order the same thing when we go out to eat
i love how you hate tomatoes and mushrooms
i love how we both hate a certain weather reporter
i love how you so patiently put up with my complaining and weird mood swings
i love how you can calm me down or cheer me up with a few words, a hug and a smile
i love how you treat those who you love with utmost respect and kindness
i love how you never seem to tire of my company, regardless of how we spend hours each day communicating
i love how the ways in which we differ are so complimentary
i love how selfless you are
i love how i can laugh, cry, act like a total nutcase around you with no fear whatsoever of judgement
i love how you always ask me what you should wear when getting ready in the morning
i love your taste in music, movies and icecream flavours 
i love how you share pieces of yourself and your life with me
i love you.

Way too much information that probably no-one cares about but i'm going to give it anyway.

1: What are you wearing? 
black tank, black leggings, green hoodie
2: Ever been in love? 
yes
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? 
not particularly
4: How tall are you? 
i don't know, probably about 5'2
5: How much do you weigh? 
again i'm not sure
6: Any tattoos? 
i wish
7: Any piercings? 
my earlobes and my nose
8: OTP? 
troyler
9: Favorite Show? 
Friends, or The Nanny
10: Favorite bands? 
Currently, The Kooks, Jinja Safari and The Preatures
11: Something you miss? 
Japan
12: Favorite song?
Biiiig question. I quite like 'Don't you forget about me' by The Simple Minds
13: How old are you? 
21
14: Zodiac sign? 
they're a bunch of crap. but Aries
15: Quality you look for in a partner? 
No bullshit
16: Favorite Quote? 
you were born with two hands... one for helping yourself and one for helping others
17: Favorite actor? 
Ahhhh cannot narrow it down to one! Stanley Tucci, Leo Di Caprio and Audrey Hepburn
18: Favorite color? 
19: Loud music or soft? 
LOUD!
20: Where do you go when you're sad? 
My blog :)
21: How long does it take you to shower? 
depends entirely on how awake I am, and which shower I am using. also whether or not i have to shave and wash my hair
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 
30 minutes to an hour
23: Ever been in a physical fight? 
Yeah...
24: Turn on?
 passions
25: Turn off? 
Racism
26: The reason I joined Blogspot?
Therapy without the unwanted advice
27: Fears? 
Failure and spiders
28: Last thing that made you cry? 
'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green
29: Last time you said you loved someone? 
This morning
30: Meaning behind your Blogspot Name?
I was an angsty VCE-stressed adolescent. also rather passive-aggressive
31: Last book you read? 
Little Lady, Big Apple
32: The book you're currently reading?
The Waitress
33: Last show you watched? 
Ellen
34: Last person you talked to? 
My boyfriend 
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? 
boyfriend
36: Favorite food? 
refuse to choose just one. clingstone peaches, avocado smash, vegetarian arancini, raspberries
37: Place you want to visit?
Greece, Norway, Thailand, Sweden, India, Costa Rica
38: Last place you were? 
The gym
39: Do you have a crush?
I guess i do ;)
40: Last time you kissed someone? 
Today
41: Last time you were insulted? 
depends on if you mean seriously insulted or jokingly. yesterday at work for the former, a few minutes ago for the latter
42: Favourite flavour of sweet? 
Raspberry and green apple
43: Whhat instruments do you play?? 
Piano
44: favourite piece of jewellery?
The ring my best friend gave me for my birthday this year
45: Last sport you played? 
um.... does the gym count?
46: Last song you sang? 
Romanticise by Chela
47: favourite chat up line?
Fat penguin breaks the ice. ;) 
48:Have you ever used it?
I only wish
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? 
my shebangarang at the gym
50: Who should answer these questions next?
the Zo-Han bloggers

My New Discovery

Ryan & The Rumours.
Get around them. seriously. I get chills. literal goosebumps. all of the sexiness.