instructivity

this is a post for all the delightful customers out there whose incessant idiocy/rudeness makes me want to punch things...namely your faces.

however, since i am a charitable person, i feel it is my christian duty to provide you with this, a guide to correct customer behaviour.

i hope you find this instructive.

Customer 101

1. When placing your order with a server/waitress et cetera, remember this: YOU. ARE. HAVING. A. CONVERSATION. WITH. THEM. In other words, EYE CONTACT. En-un-ci-ate your words. speak CLEARLY, and at a volume that those of us without supersonic bat hearing can comprehend. and please, please, PLEASE, kindly halt the conversation you may be having with your friend or colleague for the duration of the 10 seconds it should take you to place your order. this will make it painless and angst-free for all parties involved. 

2. in continuation of the first point, when someone repeats your order back to you, we are doing this purely for your benefit, so that you end up with the peppermint tea you wanted, and not a latte. we are not doing it to hear the sound of our own voice, or because we are stupid. we are simply trying to clarify (TRYING being the operative word) what you would like, in the event that we misheard you or you would like to alter your order in any way. so, to review:

waiter: so that's a skinny cappuccino and a strong soy flat white?

customer (i.e. you): yes, that's correct.

OR

customer: actually, can you make that a strong skinny cappuccino and a soy flat white?

NOT

customer (not really listening): yeah yeah yeah

* receives coffees* "THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR WHAT THE !@#$* *RAGE*

waiter: FFFSSSSSS

i hope that's clear enough. or would you like me to clarify? ;)

3. SPECIFY. in other words, if you waltz up and order 'a coffee', you are very lucky that herculean amounts of patience, combined with the general script of hospitality training and, thankfully on the behalf of one party (which is NOT YOU), common sense, prevent whoever is serving you to hand over a cup of raw coffee beans. unless you are in an american diner featuring waitresses on rollerskates, there exist in ALL cafes, coffee shops, restaurants, et cetera... A RANGE OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF COFFEES. a fact of which you should be well aware, unless you have spent the last fifteen years in a developing country living off insects and rice. 

now that this has been cleared up, i shall elaborate. the following are some examples of acceptable ways to order your coffee:

i would like a small skinny latte with two sugars.

may i please have a white english breakfast tea in a mug?

a small hazelnut cappuccino please. no sugar.

to break it down. SIZE (or where appropriate, the type of cup you would like to drink from. trust me, there will ALWAYS be more than one)

TYPE of coffee. e.g. latte, flat white (NOT WHITE COFFEE!!!), cappuccino, short macchiato, piccolo latte, espresso (otherwise known as a short black), double espresso, long black (or americano, which in my personal opinion is a stupid name for it), chai latte, tea (varietal, comes in a range of flavours as well as the need to specify black or white, with the exception of herbal teas, in which case we will assume you take it black because to have milk in herbal tea is just wrong), hot chocolate, white hot chocolate, mocha, to name a few.

STRENGTH of coffee, where appropriate. the following terms are acceptable: strong, weak, half strength, quarter strength, double shot, extra shot, double strength, extra strong, triple shot

MILK preference. if you do not specify, you will be given full-cream milk, and it is not the fault of the barista if you are lactose intolerant or dieting, because they didn't know. generally, milk types available are skinny or skim, full-cream and soy. if you request 'skinny soy', you are an idiot. 

SUGAR. this is one with a little bit of give, as sit-in establishments generally have sugar on the tables for you to add yourself, and most take-away places will give you the option to do so as well, should you prefer it. however, unless you specify that you would like sugar, or enquire as to the sugar arrangements at a particular place, you will NOT be given any in your drink. so please don't order, for example "a large flat white" and then ask the barista at the end if there is sugar in it. because you see, you did not ask. so we did not put any in. 

now that i have covered the preliminaries of correct coffee ordering in what i imagine is more than enough detail, i shall move on.

4. it is NEVER acceptable nor logical to decide (for whatever reason) that what you have ordered, ONCE the order has been placed and brought to you, that you have changed your mind, and are going to go about it by informing the staff that they are wrong. this is a lie, it is rude, insolent and completely inconsiderate.if you change your mind after your order has been placed, please have a little consideration and inform the staff of this as soon as you can. it will be a little annoying, but not nearly as infuriating as it is for a poor waitress or barista to have taken time making your drinks, only to bring them over and be told by an often smirking customer that they are not what were ordered. it's really just rude. no excuses.you deserve to have steaming espresso in your face.

5. know what you want BEFORE you go up to order. there are little things more frustrating than having to stand and wait for people to um and ahh over the menu. READ IT FIRST. DECIDE.THEN ORDER WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. arghhhh

6. please try to refrain from sleazy comments, lame jokes, or any other similar stupid non-conversationals. it is awkward, imposing and a waste of time. enough said. 

7. when a friend, colleague, employer, teacher, family member or general fellow man greets you, one would hope that you follow basic social etiquette and a) ACKNOWLEDGE that that person has spoken to you and b) RESPOND. why so many people believe that this courtesy need not be extended to hospitality staff is beyond me. it is really not that hard to reply to a sunny "Hi, how are you" with a "Hi, good thanks" or even a simple "hello"

they are not beneath you simple because they are taking your order. so please consider this as an alternative to ignoring the greeting and instead barking your order. if anything, the latter reflects poorly on your upbringing. your parents would be ashamed. 

8.  bitching about the price of things makes you appear a) rude b) pathetic c) ridiculous d) immature

... i could go on but i won't. at most places, prices are clearly marked, or if they are not, and you do not have the ability to guess at least a ballpark figure based on the type of establishment of which you are a patron, you can always ask. however, it is NEVER a good idea to complain about the price of things to the one serving you. there is nothing they are going to do about it, and having a temper tantrum will not change things. if you're not prepared to shell out, go somewhere else and take your opinions with you.

i'm not done, but i do need to sleep, so stay tuned for more. i hope this was informative and educational. goodnight. 

we shall overcome.

Neither can I.
May i just take a moment to declare, loud and proud, that this blog supports marriage equality, and so do i 
It frustrates me to no end that this is not an issue that has already been resolved. to all governments out there that still oppose marriage equality, there are so many actual issues you could be trying to resolve, rather than wasting time stubbornly clinging to and worse, trying to validate, ideals about marriage that are so outdated and irrelevant in this day and age that i can't even come up with one for which arguments are still legitimate. Please, just move on! on a more personal note, i happen to come from a household that is, sadly, not entirely in support of this issue. unfortunately, my parents do not share in my beliefs. sure, there are a lot of people out there who are like my parents in this view, but what i cannot fathom is how two people who grew up during the apartheid, who were themselves discriminated against for something they could not control, and who moved to this country because of their government's (and other peoples') ridiculous discriminatory views, can oppose marriage equality. do they not see that the same debates, demonstrations and battles that took place in order to bring equal rights to non-white south Africans, are present today? that the only difference between then and now is that the minority group is non-heterosexuals, rather than non-whites? how would my mother feel if she were forbidden by the government to marry the man she loved, simply because they were of a different race. true, my parents would have probably been allowed to marry during the apartheid as they are the same race, but what if my mother had been in love with a white man? for that matter, would she feel, should her own children ever find themselves in the same situation, forbidden to marry someone based on sexuality, the same sense of injustice that she once felt on behalf of coloured south africans? 

the words on the placards may have changed, but the cause is still the same. 
people are being discriminated against, this time because of their sexuality rather than the colour of their skin. it's still wrong. it still makes zero sense. 
i only wish my parents, like so many others out there, would wake up and see this. 

if i was less tired i would write a better conclusion for this, but i really do think that if the great Michael Jackson were still alive, he would be singing about this in similar fashion to 'it don't matter if you're black or white"
that's all. 

contraverse.

...really though, does it make me a bad person if i openly admit i'd still rather look like the VS campaign, and that given the choice, probably half the women in the Dove campaign would too?
just one woman's opinion.

DISCLAIMER: i am not condemning dove in any way, shape, or form (hahaha i made a punny! sorry), nor am i denying that either group of women is beautiful or not, or should change. furthermore i am not condemning larger women, or endorsing weight loss, the media's gross misrepresentation of the ideal body type, blah blah blah. please don't sue me for hate crimes or cyber-attack me for fat-bashing. just daring to speak my mind. 

47-17

i'm getting there. slowly. every day in every way, i'm getting better and better.
while there is still a long road ahead, i can't say i'm not proud of myself for getting to where i am now, as compared to not that long ago.
I have so many people to thank for this, those that have supported me, even from across the globe, and i also believe many prayers have been answered. 
loneliness rarely crosses my emotional spectrum these days, and i am more grateful than i can say for those that surround me, a guard against toxicity.
I don't want this blog to dissolve into a fondue of cheesiness, so i'll leave it here. 

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”  
from the brilliant Madame Hepburn.

"be yourself - everyone else is taken" 
-Oscar Wilde, which some angel scrawled on a bathroom door where i happened upon it last night, giddy with happiness, the natural high of dancing and excellent music, good company, and admittedly, being slightly inebriated. courtesy of dirty granny cider and cheap bubbly.