girlcrush

So, I have not written on this blog for so long, but when I logged on I realised that I posted something four days before my 22nd birthday, so not as long ago as I thought. That's something, I guess.

Right now my boyfriend is watching Game of Thrones downstairs so I'm up here internet stalking my favourite female singer, Isabella Manfredi. This may be really ridiculously lame but I like to entertain the idea that she knows exactly who I am, since I'm a crazy fangirl and have been to basically all her Melbourne shows in the last year and a half, and talked to/bumped into her at each one. I have accidentally ran into her in public bathrooms at gigs on more than one occasion, so she might actually think I'm a freak. Oops. In an interview I watched she admitted that her favourite movie is Everafter with Drew Barrymore, which is by far one of my favourite chick flicks. I would like to think that in some other life, we'd be friends. But probably not, she's way too cool for me. What's important (and really cheesy) though is that watching and reading about her tonight has inspired me to get back to my blogging, which in the past has acted for me as refuge, therapy, a place to be creative or just to babble about nothing and everything. I neglect this blog a lot these days, but at one time I used to love to write, to string together words and create what I thought was sometimes beautiful, and what others sometimes told me was quite good. I'm under no illusions that I could have a great career as a writer, but writing is something I have always loved to do, and I think it's important in this day and age where so many things seem hopeless, and the world is getting quite scary and unwelcoming, to do the things you love. We are responsible for our own lives, our own happiness, so maybe this will be a return for me to taking on that responsibility. I don't want to be scared and unhappy anymore. I'm fighting back. 

looking back and looking forward.

So, I'll be turning 22 in 4 days. it's a little scary, how fast time passes, how much can change in the blink of an eye. this time last year, I was anticipating my 21st birthday, however I was not in a good place emotionally or psychologically. I was angry, scared, depressed, alone. Now, I get comments from others about how different I seem. a friend said to me last night, 'I'm glad you're happy'. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am happy. I'm not 100% sure what I want to do with my life, but I'm figuring it out and that's okay. I'm comfortable with that. I've fallen in love, found the person I know i will spend the rest of my life with. I know I will never be alone again, and i take a great amount of comfort in that. I feel safe, and loved, and never alone. Life isn't all peaches and cream, I still have ups and downs, bad days and cases of the mean reds. But I now have someone to pull me out of a slump, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. My best friend is back home, which feels great. I'm surrounded by people i love and care about, and have purged my life of toxic people who only seek to bring me down. I've had a rough journey, been hurt, neglected those people and things that matter, made mistakes at every turn. But i've come out fighting, stronger and happier than I ever thought I could be. I didn't get everything I wanted or thought I would have by this point in my life, but I've got such a long way to go still, and hopefully I'll keep growing and get to where I want to end up. In the meantime, I have a network of people who won't let me fall, and someone who loves me and would do anything for me, who will always be there. I see a future of love and laughter, of starting a family someday. I can now look at those who hurt me and poisoned my life, and who embody my mistakes, and not cower. I'm strong, I'm over it, and I won't let my past ghosts haunt me anymore. 22 will be a good year.