what do you do when it all falls apart?

falling. one of life's greatest ways of kicking you in the stomach and making you feel worse than you could ever imagine feeling. falling means failure, hurt, humiliation, loneliness, and a few other things. i have been falling for quite some time. i used to constantly fall in love, with people and places and words. falling in love with people hurts a lot, as i'm sure most people are aware of. i don't really need to go into that. falling in love with places and words is less painful, but it does suck when those places or words disappoint you by not turning out to be what you thought, or disappear. or sometimes you ruin it for yourself, and that sucks even more than if it's not your fault.

falling physically is pretty bad also. recently, i fell down some stairs whilst intoxicated. it wasn't fun at all. it was embarrassing, and it really hurt. i have a lovely cut on my shin to remind me of that now. i also fell onto a person on the train yesterday, which was bad because they were none too impressed. which is perfectly understandable.

but the worst kind of falling is the metaphorical kind, the emotional, the psychological. the feeling that the world is caving in around you, or that everyone else is moving forward and loving it, and you're left behind, confused and alone. frustrated and a little sad. you feel like you haven't a friend in the world, and when you really need a shoulder to cry on, there's none available. because your usual shoulders are taken by others, or too busy being dry and enjoying life to be soaked with tears.

my intention is not to alienate or accuse. i am thankful every day of the week and twice on sundays for my amazing friends, and how they are always there for me and put up with me. at the risk of sounding a bit cliche, i just love my friends. i don't think i could get from A to B without them. i just wish i sometimes stopped to think instead of doing stupid things that make me hurt for days on end after. because it's not even worth it half the time. here's hoping my personal raincloud goes away sometime soon. because apparently, the world is my oyster. pah, we'll see.