when failing feels like an option

i need. to focus. FOCUS.

but i can't. why? it would be completely out of order to blame any single person other than myself. this is true, and i know it.
but.
WHY?

i was doing fine. i was motivated, i was loving life, i was content. and then you happened. and now my world is spinning out of control again, my mind blurs and my thoughts are you, you, you, a thousand times over, processed and analysed and imagined and replayed and real. i want you i want you i want you. why is it in my nature to be so dependant on another? i hate this. i consider myself to be an individual, an independant, i am a cat and i walk. by. myself. i'm supposed to be strong, someone who can define herself without needing the reaffirmations of others. so why does that all come crashing down with a single, beautiful, starry night? and then a couple more to follow. why does everything have to be so wonderful with you, and when you're gone, it's near torture. perhaps i'm a little dramatic, but really. this. is. ridiculous.

where can i find some peace of mind? a piece of my mind? you stole it. just don't steal my heart, too.