live fast, die young.

i came to you for comfort, i am to you for strength, i came to you to be held, and to feel good, maybe even just for a few hours. you were one of the few truths in my life, one of the scarce reasons to smile. i looked forward to you, knowing you were different. 
but you let me down.
what happened?
perhaps i was fooling myself, maybe i wove a fairytale to give myself hope. that maybe, just maybe, you cared. that you liked me for me, that you wanted me for more than just what i gave the others.
i started to let down the walls i keep up at all costs. i let myself trust.
i made a mistake.

47

i can almost pinpoint the very moment it all started to go downhill.
i hate admitting it, even to myself. but i feel almost  100% sure that this is the truth.
the night i lost something. or rather, gave it away. looking back, it was callous, stupid, careless, senseless, ridiculous.
i wish i could take it back. some days, anyway.
i feel so ashamed and angry at myself, that i let my no longer existing self-worth be defined for so long by the attentions, affections (questionable) and opinions of one person. a person who is no longer a presence in my life (physically anyway), a person whom i no longer care for, a person i almost wish i had never met. 
on the other hand, i did learn some important life lessons (cliche, yes) from my time and experiences with this particular human being.

"Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward" 
       - Vernon Law

truer words hath not been spoke 
(whether that's grammatically correct or not i do not care at this moment)
i'm tired, of so many things.
i'm tired of feeling useless.
of feeling ashamed.
sad. broken. worthless. unattractive. unintelligent. talentless. friendless. alone. rejected. failure. angry. hurting. hurtful. unlikeable. mistreated. misunderstood. 

many of these things, i know are my fault. i KNOW that i should do things, talk to people, take action, try to fix this mess that was once my life. but i can't. 

shan't, can't, won't.

for reasons i cannot fathom, i have neither the desire nor the inclination to take a step towards moving forward. whether this is because i have become so deeply entrenched in this darkness, 
or whether i just subconsciously like to wallow in self-pity, i simply feel i have no motivation to try and get myself out.

this is not a cry for help. this is not an invitation to a tidal wave of garnered sympathy. this is not a reverse-psychology disguised implore for attention, or a shoulder to cry on.

i don't really know what this is.

i just don't want to feel like this
i don't want to feel.

attack of the clones

a playlist.

whenigettoheavenprettyinpinkwearenotalonevitrioltwistandshouttroubleteenagedirtbageverybodyhavefuntonightstuckhushhushlakehousedirrrtycomingdownsurrenderliterallybabybrokenlegkickitloverh.m.m.m.f.oblivionignitiondoyouwannagloriaswaymaniacbombomdon'tyoudireinthetwilightmybandvavavoomwalkingonadreammyfalse.

rant

things customers do that really fucking frustrate me and make me want to stab them in the glabella.

1. pointing to a raspberry muffin with RED berries in it and asking 'is that a blueberry muffin?' ...why yes, yes it is...-.-
2. me standing at till: "Hi how can i help you?" customer: "thanks, i'm just looking" customer proceeds to walk to OTHER, UNMANNED till to wait to be served. me:  FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSS
3. customers who stand at the till reading the menu, thus preventing me from serving the seven thousand other people waiting behind them, READY to order.
4. customers who  expect me to take their order while they have a conversation with their friend,  and then shoot me annoyed looks when i try to ask them questions in order to complete their order.
5. customers who order "a coffee" .... LATTE? CAPPUCCINO? FLAT WHITE? i swear the next fuckwit who does this is getting a handful of raw coffee beans.
6. customers who place vague orders, and then get frustrated when you try to clarify. e.g. 'i'll have eggs on toast and a coffee'
me: 'which bread would you like? scrambled, fried or poached eggs? which kind of coffee was that? would you like that in a mug or a cup?'
customer: *death stares*
EXCUSE ME FOR NOT BEING PSYCHIC
7. customers who ignore your pleasant greeting of 'how are you today?' and rattle off their order like they are talking to a dog.
8. customers who bitch about the price of things. see people, there's this great thing called a MENU, in which the prices are listed. you can read the menu and decide whether you are happy with the price BEFORE you order. ps, bitching about something you think is too expensive isn't going to lower the price.
there are many more but i'm hungry. so later.

bruno mars sucks. there. i said it. bring on the angry fangirls, pretty sure i can take you all.

our little corner of the world