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i can almost pinpoint the very moment it all started to go downhill.
i hate admitting it, even to myself. but i feel almost  100% sure that this is the truth.
the night i lost something. or rather, gave it away. looking back, it was callous, stupid, careless, senseless, ridiculous.
i wish i could take it back. some days, anyway.
i feel so ashamed and angry at myself, that i let my no longer existing self-worth be defined for so long by the attentions, affections (questionable) and opinions of one person. a person who is no longer a presence in my life (physically anyway), a person whom i no longer care for, a person i almost wish i had never met. 
on the other hand, i did learn some important life lessons (cliche, yes) from my time and experiences with this particular human being.

"Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward" 
       - Vernon Law

truer words hath not been spoke 
(whether that's grammatically correct or not i do not care at this moment)
i'm tired, of so many things.
i'm tired of feeling useless.
of feeling ashamed.
sad. broken. worthless. unattractive. unintelligent. talentless. friendless. alone. rejected. failure. angry. hurting. hurtful. unlikeable. mistreated. misunderstood. 

many of these things, i know are my fault. i KNOW that i should do things, talk to people, take action, try to fix this mess that was once my life. but i can't. 

shan't, can't, won't.

for reasons i cannot fathom, i have neither the desire nor the inclination to take a step towards moving forward. whether this is because i have become so deeply entrenched in this darkness, 
or whether i just subconsciously like to wallow in self-pity, i simply feel i have no motivation to try and get myself out.

this is not a cry for help. this is not an invitation to a tidal wave of garnered sympathy. this is not a reverse-psychology disguised implore for attention, or a shoulder to cry on.

i don't really know what this is.

i just don't want to feel like this
i don't want to feel.