if only

look around. what do you see? i see searchers. seekers. people, everywhere, looking for something. something different, something better, something more...
perhaps they're looking for themselves. a better version of themselves, the version that only exists in the world of 'if only'.
'if only i studied more'
'if only i procrastinated less'
'if only i had told them...'
'if only i had walked away'
'if only i hadn't said that'
'if only i could be like her'
'if only i could be smarter/more attractive/more popular/more talented'
the list goes on.
and on and on.
and on.
what we know deep down, all of us, is that if we spent less time in the land of 'if only' and more time in the real world, trying to actually accomplish these goals, for want of a better word, we would search less and find more.
now, if only i can put this advice into practise...

this is a list.

So.
a confidant once told me that i was a "passive aggressive person". that basically means that i avoid confrontation as much as possible, being 'passive' which would be okay, only the things that i choose not to react to build up until eventually it all bursts forth in 'aggressive' mode. it's kind of like a swinging pendulum in a grandfather clock. instead of swinging back and forth evenly in the middle, i swing slowly from one end of the spectrum, the 'passive' side to 'aggressive' at the opposite end. i was fairly happy with this analogy of myself. i admit that i do tend to avoid confrontation due partially to having been told in the past that i 'over-react' to little things. when i was younger, i used to confront everything that upset me, i was a 'fighter'. but when i realised that fighting back was not achieving desired results, i stopped reacting. i chose instead to let things slide, telling myself each time 'it's not worth it'. this seems to work quite well most of the time, and would probably suit me fine except that i have a slight tendency to overthink things. okay, more than just slight. i think a lot, and sometimes thinking turns to brooding, or even fuming. so all these little annoyances build up, until i reach breaking point, like a kettle boiling hot water. when this happens, when i can no longer suppress my feelings, it will take something as little as a comment about my appearance or someone just talking to me when i don't want to be talked to, to tip me over the edge. which is bad, but i guess that goes without saying.

now, it's not a great idea to bottle things up and let them build up until you reach breaking point, but its also not the best idea to go around snapping back at people every time something pisses you off. so when i asked the aforementioned confidant what i should do, they suggested that i make a list of all the little annoyances throughout the day and reflect on said list, maybe write about each of the annoyances in a diary or talk about them with someone, anything to let the frustration out and ensure they don't build up and bother me.
now it's been a while since i was suggested to try this exercise so i thought i'd do it now, in rather general terms so as to avoid being whiny or bitchy.
here goes.

A LIST OF THINGS THAT IRKED ME TODAY
1. why must people insist on imposing their personalities and interests on others, when they know that 'others' are not interested in liking what they like? whats it to you if i don't like the same music, books, clothing, people or movies as you? everyone's different. i'm a firm believer in 'to each their own'. sure, if you want to play me a song/recommend a book/suggest i watch a certain movie i'll be more than happy to give it a try, but if i try it and don't like it, just let me be. i'm not insulting your taste or the things that you like, i'm just saying they don't do it for me. please don't be offended by that.

2. while we're on the subject, the same goes for things i like. i generally try to be respectful of other people's interests and mindful of people's feelings, so naturally it'd be nice if others reciprocated this policy. if i mention something that i think is the bee's knees, while the thought of this very thing might make you want to vomit, i'd appreciate it if you kept any I-Lang (Inflammatory language, i.e. any language that might personally offend the other person) to yourself. remember: "to each their own." if you don't dig the band that currently dominates my playlist, just politely say so, for example "Oh, they're not really my thing" or "i don't like them that much personally", minus the unnecessary "that's so shit, how can you like that?" or other words to that effect. i don't care if you don't like it, but i do, so it kind of hurts when people diss what i'm into unnecessarily.

3. Patronization. (i believe this is a word, however i stand corrected if it's not)
there is really nothing worse than being patronised. like really, is it necessary to belittle people like so many often do? i think not. there are other ways of conveying your opinion without insulting your audience. patronising can take the form of a facial expression, a tone of voice, choice of vocabulary or even body language. not to say i am not guilty of doing this from time to time. but it just really irks me when people feel the need to do it constantly. this especially applies when one is teaching. patronising in my books is definately top five in how to get your student's back up.

4. putting other people down to cover up your own mistakes. just. don't. do it. seriously. if you want to march around, loudly and annoyingly making a repuation for yourself that, to be fair is probably deserved, however pigheadedly you go about this, then be prepared to live up to said reputation. now i know that nobody's perfect, and it's hard to live up to other people's standards all the time, but when you can't, please please please be willing to acknowledge this with good grace and move on. it may sound hard, to pass on aswering a question because you know you are unable to do so correctly, but it is much better to simply say "sorry i don't know this time" than to point a finger (physically or metaphorically) at others in attempt to detract attention from your own shortcomings while making them feel and look like an idiot. the former method will a)result in your own lack of answers to be forgotten because really, no one actually cares and b)end well for all involved. no one gets hurt.

now i must return to more tedious but necessary tasks and so i will bid you goodnight.

story of my life

So okay. i knew this year was going to be hard, and here we are. they say the final year is the best, and by no means do i disagree with this. it's been good so far, tolerable, the stress level turned up noticeably, the pressures and expectations somewhat higher, the tension in the air just tangible, but faint enough to be ignored. at this point. i sometimes feel like i'm swimming in the deep end, and sometimes it's easy, when the water's still, and i feel like i could go forever, happily. circle "can swim fifty metres comfortably". but every so often, someone turns up the intensity levels, waves begin to stir the calm glassy surface and suddenly you're paddling a little bit harder. your breathing becomes more ragged and you get that tight feeling in your chest, like you've swallowed too much chlorinated water. you're stressing yourself physically to keep your head above the surface, kicking furiously to avoid being dragged under by the weight of it all. this continues for a while, and eventually you get used to it. you are able to keep swimming, and what was once a defininite pain in your legs dulls to a familiar ache, one you can put up with because it's been there forever. the tight feeling in your chest becomes a nagging at the back of your mind, easily blocked out but not completely banished. this nagging is loudest at night, when your body is idle and the suppressed thoughts, doubts, regrets, mistakes, annoyances, everything you consciously pushed back for sanity's sake as well as practicality breaks forth, all clamouring for attention, like a thousand voices all demanding your attention at once. you replay various scenes over and over in your head, and while you're supposed to be winding down, relaxing, you instead clench and squirm, fuming and mulling over things you can't change, or you can but you'd rather avoid because you don't need more conflict in your life right now. so it goes, a vicous circle, if you will. days of going through the motions, doing what we do, biting your tongue on a protest or retort, ignoring what irritates you, holding back. nights of rehashing everything, nomatter how you worked to shut it out. doing nothing, saying nothing, all the while frustration building. what happens next?