story of my life

So okay. i knew this year was going to be hard, and here we are. they say the final year is the best, and by no means do i disagree with this. it's been good so far, tolerable, the stress level turned up noticeably, the pressures and expectations somewhat higher, the tension in the air just tangible, but faint enough to be ignored. at this point. i sometimes feel like i'm swimming in the deep end, and sometimes it's easy, when the water's still, and i feel like i could go forever, happily. circle "can swim fifty metres comfortably". but every so often, someone turns up the intensity levels, waves begin to stir the calm glassy surface and suddenly you're paddling a little bit harder. your breathing becomes more ragged and you get that tight feeling in your chest, like you've swallowed too much chlorinated water. you're stressing yourself physically to keep your head above the surface, kicking furiously to avoid being dragged under by the weight of it all. this continues for a while, and eventually you get used to it. you are able to keep swimming, and what was once a defininite pain in your legs dulls to a familiar ache, one you can put up with because it's been there forever. the tight feeling in your chest becomes a nagging at the back of your mind, easily blocked out but not completely banished. this nagging is loudest at night, when your body is idle and the suppressed thoughts, doubts, regrets, mistakes, annoyances, everything you consciously pushed back for sanity's sake as well as practicality breaks forth, all clamouring for attention, like a thousand voices all demanding your attention at once. you replay various scenes over and over in your head, and while you're supposed to be winding down, relaxing, you instead clench and squirm, fuming and mulling over things you can't change, or you can but you'd rather avoid because you don't need more conflict in your life right now. so it goes, a vicous circle, if you will. days of going through the motions, doing what we do, biting your tongue on a protest or retort, ignoring what irritates you, holding back. nights of rehashing everything, nomatter how you worked to shut it out. doing nothing, saying nothing, all the while frustration building. what happens next?