squashing grapes

just when things start to get better...they get worse.
maybe i should try writing a letter, it may be theraputic, who knows?
*deep breath* here goes...

To Whom it may concern,
(although really, thats a stupid way to start a letter to the person i wish to write it to, seeing as they're really not that concerned.)
i can't blame you, and yet i want to. you have no idea how i feel, totally clueless.
which i suppose is the way i want it, and i can change that anytime i want.
but i won't. we both know that.
even you know there's something i'm not telling you, and i know i promised i would one day,
but i don't think i can. i'll have to, because i hate breaking promises. but really, who knows what will happen if i told you? i can make a pretty good guess. you'll say it's fine, maybe even apologise (what for, i don't know. you like apologising). but we will both know it's not fine. things will change, you'll start acting weird around me. i'll withdraw, in response to you withdrawing (not that i can blame you). and i'll recoil into a conch of dark thoughts, i'll spiral into a horrible depressed state, cry when i'm alone and put on a brave face when i'm not. i won't tell anyone what's bothering me, but i'll be dying inside.
and you'll feel confused, maybe a little weirded out. you might even feel enlightened, like 'oh so that's what's been going on with her'. in the long run though, you'll probably just disappear from my life. and i'll lose my best friend.
the other option is, don't tell you, keep you around, and wonder when this is going to end.
well that's the end of my little rant.
i guess it helped some.
i'm going to try and be less pathetic now.
silent screaming is good.

*sigh* one day i'll meet my Johnny Castle....
or, not.
we'll see.