some excellent songs.

providence - Lisa Mitchell
Jolene  - Ray LaMontagne
My False - Matt Corby
99 Red Balloons - Nena
Come away with me - Norah Jones
Hospital Song  - Francolin
Dashboard  - Modest Mouse
Spring - Joe Hisaishi
The Wild One - Suzi Quatro

we talked about nothing which was more than i wanted you to know

never gets old. 

whenever.

I'm sure that your mum's told you all about love
Do you lie to yourself, in hope that's not who you are
You play the boys with you're looks while you're still pretty, and young
I'll keep singing sad songs as if they're drenched in my blood

If you needed me I'd be there
If you need me, whenever

I fumble, I fall in a decadent form
with a heaving chest, you inspire response
And closer still, that undying desire
to make you smile
To see that gleam in your eyes

If you needed me I'd be there
If you need me, whenever

You hold me under
and I hold my breath like a grip on death 'til its over
I want your Love
your touch
No more talk of the boys, of the deeds you've done
where the person I am and the boy that I was
Blur the times that we spent with the feelings you cause
If only I could show you that..

If you needed me I'd be there
If you need me, whenever

x

a confession.

i tell myself what i tell others.
co-dependence makes me sick.
i'm afraid of commitment.
i don't want anyone, don't need anyone. i don't have the time, the energy.
i'm too selfish.
i can't prioritise someone like that in my life.
i'm happy on my own.

but in truth? i guess i just tell myself all these things, to protect my heart.
because the reality is too hard to look in the eye. 
it's called a pursuit for a reason. it's difficult to attain. 
and at great cost. i can't afford those costs. 

but what i really want?
what i'm afraid to want, because i know i can't have it?









i want the fairytale. 

live fast, die young.

i came to you for comfort, i am to you for strength, i came to you to be held, and to feel good, maybe even just for a few hours. you were one of the few truths in my life, one of the scarce reasons to smile. i looked forward to you, knowing you were different. 
but you let me down.
what happened?
perhaps i was fooling myself, maybe i wove a fairytale to give myself hope. that maybe, just maybe, you cared. that you liked me for me, that you wanted me for more than just what i gave the others.
i started to let down the walls i keep up at all costs. i let myself trust.
i made a mistake.

47

i can almost pinpoint the very moment it all started to go downhill.
i hate admitting it, even to myself. but i feel almost  100% sure that this is the truth.
the night i lost something. or rather, gave it away. looking back, it was callous, stupid, careless, senseless, ridiculous.
i wish i could take it back. some days, anyway.
i feel so ashamed and angry at myself, that i let my no longer existing self-worth be defined for so long by the attentions, affections (questionable) and opinions of one person. a person who is no longer a presence in my life (physically anyway), a person whom i no longer care for, a person i almost wish i had never met. 
on the other hand, i did learn some important life lessons (cliche, yes) from my time and experiences with this particular human being.

"Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward" 
       - Vernon Law

truer words hath not been spoke 
(whether that's grammatically correct or not i do not care at this moment)
i'm tired, of so many things.
i'm tired of feeling useless.
of feeling ashamed.
sad. broken. worthless. unattractive. unintelligent. talentless. friendless. alone. rejected. failure. angry. hurting. hurtful. unlikeable. mistreated. misunderstood. 

many of these things, i know are my fault. i KNOW that i should do things, talk to people, take action, try to fix this mess that was once my life. but i can't. 

shan't, can't, won't.

for reasons i cannot fathom, i have neither the desire nor the inclination to take a step towards moving forward. whether this is because i have become so deeply entrenched in this darkness, 
or whether i just subconsciously like to wallow in self-pity, i simply feel i have no motivation to try and get myself out.

this is not a cry for help. this is not an invitation to a tidal wave of garnered sympathy. this is not a reverse-psychology disguised implore for attention, or a shoulder to cry on.

i don't really know what this is.

i just don't want to feel like this
i don't want to feel.