seventeen

i wish i were indifferent, i wish it didn't hurt so much. i wish i was as smart as people seem to think...
some words by Jet got me through a bad spell tonight...chocolate and friends also helped.

"There's a voice in my head, won’t leave me alone, I want you to follow me home"

they say 'don't worry about it, it's in the past' well the past haunts me, taunts me, keeps my up at night and for some weird messed-up reason i have this inability to let it go. i WANT to let it go, more than i can express, but it's like my subconscious won't allow it. i guess whats why we get friends, true friends, that are always there to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. i usually hold back my tears in front of others, preferring to keep up a tough facade, but afterward i sometimes look back and wish i had let down my guard and just cried until i felt better. tears are healing, i do believe. anyway, here's to those who put up with my weird moods, listen to me moan and bitch about my life and don't slap me for being so pathetic. if i could have one wish right now, it would be to fast-forward to the calm that i hope will come after this whirlwind storm of pressures, expectations and general hard stuff. i also hope my aversion to poetry, which was a result of "one trial learning" (psychology term) that occurred today in a rather harsh blow of an episode is soon dissolved.

i love my best friend, more than he will ever know. although my heart breaks for what i cannot have, my head sings for the sanity he unknowingly restores to my life, because just knowing he cares is enough, and his words and actions are more than i need.

cheers. xx

ps, i found some wonderful words on a wall today... "i can resist anything...except temptation"