seventeen

i wish i were indifferent, i wish it didn't hurt so much. i wish i was as smart as people seem to think...
some words by Jet got me through a bad spell tonight...chocolate and friends also helped.

"There's a voice in my head, won’t leave me alone, I want you to follow me home"

they say 'don't worry about it, it's in the past' well the past haunts me, taunts me, keeps my up at night and for some weird messed-up reason i have this inability to let it go. i WANT to let it go, more than i can express, but it's like my subconscious won't allow it. i guess whats why we get friends, true friends, that are always there to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. i usually hold back my tears in front of others, preferring to keep up a tough facade, but afterward i sometimes look back and wish i had let down my guard and just cried until i felt better. tears are healing, i do believe. anyway, here's to those who put up with my weird moods, listen to me moan and bitch about my life and don't slap me for being so pathetic. if i could have one wish right now, it would be to fast-forward to the calm that i hope will come after this whirlwind storm of pressures, expectations and general hard stuff. i also hope my aversion to poetry, which was a result of "one trial learning" (psychology term) that occurred today in a rather harsh blow of an episode is soon dissolved.

i love my best friend, more than he will ever know. although my heart breaks for what i cannot have, my head sings for the sanity he unknowingly restores to my life, because just knowing he cares is enough, and his words and actions are more than i need.

cheers. xx

ps, i found some wonderful words on a wall today... "i can resist anything...except temptation"

ahh, family.

i love how my father has to say 'I'm very serious about that' to reiterate the almost hilariously irritated tone of voice he has. i mean if you’re going to do that, you may as well come out and say ‘no one takes me seriously so i have to go around telling people how serious i am’. His inability to form valid arguments is laughable. and the amount of times he says 'i'm just saying' whilst overriding something someone else is saying. yes, daddy, because you're the only person who is allowed to 'just say' stuff. sorry, but i find it difficult at times to give you that 'little bit of respect' you ask for when you're screaming in my face. and someone who has been sucking face with cancer sticks since age what? 14? yeah, not terribly high up in my good books either.

i apologise for this mini-rant, it does sound rather judgemental i'm sure, but it's just how i feel, and this blog is 'a spillage of overprocessed thought'. on a happier note, spring is well and truly in the air, flowers are in bloom, the sun is shining (or was, it's night now) and it wasn't ridiculously cold today! bring on the warmer weather! bring on oh-so-pretty floral playful prints and lightweight fabric, and cherry blossoms! bring on those super-cute loose printed shorts of which i will buy multiple pairs! as much as i love frost and think it a beautiful creation of nature, i am content to bid winter a cheerful adieu as the sun makes more of a useful appearance in the way of warming me rather than just peeking out from behind the clouds occasionally to mock me on those cruelly teasing sunny but freezing winter days.

as for all those unfortunate souls who suffer from hay fever, don't be sad that it's spring. rather, dose up on zertec or whatever those anti-allergy pills are called and rejoice in warmer days, pretty flowers and the promise that summer is only a few months away...

"You punched the highlights out of her hair! "

the accompanying text reads: "My silly little dancing maths buddy who's still around after i hang a fair bit on her.Ily. x " on http://anotherlittlephotoblog.blogspot.com/ ...it made me smile :)

here's the thing:

back on top of the wheel again, as i've decided to call this ridiculous roller-coaster ride of emotions. today was weird, a little stressful, but i'm feeling wonderful right about now. a trip to the beach is a likely possibility in the near future, and i've decided that just as i'm going to learn how to surf, i will ride the waves of this up mood, down mood thing like a pro, and try to remind myself that it all works out in time, and that i'll feel better the next day. i just have to look for a little bit of awesome in each day, regardless of how melancholy, frustrating, heartbreaking or enraging that day proves to be.
in the immortal words of songstress Kelly Clarkson, "i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly, i'll do what it takes till i touch the sky..."
Adios.

dark chocolate.

just wallowing in self-pity, boredom and the occasional dull ache...looking at the beautiful wonderful lives of others and trying to remember how happy i was just two days ago...
anyway in a total contradiction to my current state of mind, body and soul, i've decided to create a list, because i'm weird like that.
ok here it is:

ALL KINDS OF AWESOME
1. that feeling of enlightenment when you work out where you've seen someone before (applies to movies and real life)
2. that song that describes exactly how you're feeling. i realise this is a bit of a cliche these days, but no apologies. i'm throwing it out there.
3. family gatherings with 90+ people, and that one person you hardly see but you just get along with like a house on fire. (why is 'like a house on fire' a positive simile? i don't understand.)
4. making all your decisions and plans in the shower.
5. that fantastic feeling of waking up from a great sleep.
6. being given a flower by a small child.
7. zumba. enough said.
8. this is going to sound kind of shallow, but oh well. when you go out, and you know you're just looking damn GOOD.
9. going through photos from the night before, and remembering how much fun you had.
10. going through old photos and reminiscing about 'back in the day'
11. that feeling you get when you realise how much you just love your friends.
12. a great instrumental in a song.
13. the way frost on grass on a winter's day catches the light and looks enchanting and uncorrupted.
14. getting lost in an amazing book.
15. riding the elevator in a really tall building.
16. the satisfaction of cooking a great meal, and eating it.
17. the way someone lights up when you make their day.
18. when someone makes your day with a simple action.

"We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff. "

i hope it's true what people say...

Why must I be so reliant on another? If I’m left alone with my thoughts and no-one else I slip into a dark abyss of tears, tantrums, heartbreak and doubts. I attack and am attacked, can’t get back to the happy stage that I find myself dancing across for too brief a moment in time…. Why don’t good things ever last? Is it because we enjoy them too fast? I always race ahead of my heart, imagination will be the death of me one day.

lately, i feel that everything i say, do or write is such a cliche. i'm so empty these days, on autopilot half the time, pretending to care when really i'm miles away.

been wasting time for way too long, can't even be bothered listening to sad, sad songs, i feel dried out (on all kinds of levels), i feel all wrong, why can't things go right for a while instead?i'm whining now, so i'm thinking i should stop, i'll end on someone else's thoughts...

"Pride is a lie...mortal fatigue has humbled his exulting flesh, and all he'd seek in a loved body's gulfs and hollows changes to otherness: he'll never ravish the secret of its grace."

"mortal faitgue"... what a beautiful way to describe how i so often feel these days...
and finally,

"You drop me. i walk on alone."

the way i are.

i think i apologise too much for things that i shouldn't be sorry for...and i think i don't apologise enough for the things i am deeply sorry for. someone once told me off for saying sorry too much...to which i replied "sorry".

i don't want to have to apologise for the way i feel, or who i am. so many people do that, and it's not right. and yet, its so hard to admit when we are really in the wrong. and when we do manage to apologise at the right time, it doesn't come across the way we need it to. it either sounds hollow, shallow, reluctant, cliched, all or none of the above. i hate grovelling, it's such a chore, and i think i do it just to keep the peace rather than continue fighting.

but then it backfires on me because i become a doormat and then i can't win either way. but it's not about winning. oh, the frustration of it all...

now my stomach is begging for sustenance so i must away to the kitchen. sorry, for ending this post so abrubtly.

"Just looking for some answers in a world that answers none of them at all"