hyperventilating

it doesn't seem fair, that i can't have anything i want. i wanted THAT PERSON, all for myself, i wanted them to love me like i loved them. but no, i couldn't have that.
i wanted them for a friend, but that was taken away from me too.
i want to get the atar score i need to get into melbourne for psychology, but it seems i'm too much of a pathetic failure to have that.
i want to be thinner, fitter, stronger. but my weaknesses triumph every time.
i can't even find the things that i lost.
and as i write this, i feel selfish, because i guess i do have a lot, compared to some. i've experienced first-hand the joy that can be brought to people's lives by building them a tiny shelter to teach their kids to read and write in. i've seen how some people live, with next to nothing, and how happy they are. so why can't i be appreciative and hopeful like them?
the world is so twisted and wrong. so are people. i'd trade places with the beautiful Anita of the Tagamenda Single Mother Centre in Iringa, Tanzania, if only this ache that plagues me night and day would go away. loneliness, regret, failure. give me back those mountains i climbed, and the waterfalls we swam near, the friendships we formed and the smiles we brought to other people's faces. it feels like a dream. reality is loathesome.

my obsession

sigh...

actually, i'd love to live on the moon.

ernie says, in his amazing song, "though i'd like to look down on the earth from above, i would miss all the places and people i love, so although i might like it for one afternoon, i don't want to live on the moon." whilst there are a great deal of people i love here on the earth, these days i feel so awful, and am so easily dragged down into a pit of depression, that i don't think i'd mind living on the moon. it'd be a tad lonely, i'll admit, but perhaps the change of pace would be nice. additionally, there is no gravity on the moon, so i'd have heaps of fun bouncing around and stuff. and i could have such a fantastic view of the stars... maybe, in my spare time, because i'd imagine i'd have a rather lot of it if i lived on the moon, i could visit other planets. like pluto, which i am determined to keep believing is a planet, despite what stupid obnoxious scientists say. there's just not much on this earth that makes me happy anymore, so i figure, it's time for a change of location. and the moon seems as good a place as ever to start afresh. "so if i should visit the moon, well i'll dance on a moonbeam and then, i will make a wish on a star, and i'd live there forever, amen."

I Don't Want To Live On The Moon.

a beautiful song from childhood...sung originally by ernie of sesame street aka jim henson. pure amazement.

i hate you, you stupid antisocial black hairball with creepy green eyes.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYYYYYY!?!?!??!!??!?!???
argh. stupid cat. i hated you from day one but i never wanted you to get LOST!
here, kitty kitty kitty. nice kitty. please come home before your mummy and daddy do, otherwise they will kill me for losing their pet, and i'll never be hired as a house sitter ever again. please come back, because if you do there'll be lots of nice cat food for you to eat, and stuff. i might even buy you a special treat.

i

am

extremely

worried.

okay? so leave me alone.

i'd rather not be a seagull.

if you love me, let me go
pearls would be my favorite thing...

back to that...BAR IN TOKYO. please?

disclaimer: i am not nude. i'm wearing a singlet.

This is no Bridget Jones!!

so,
what the fuck do you do when people that you love the most, unintentionally cause you the most pain? and you can't tell them, because doing so would be to hurt them, which you would never ever do, because you love them?
i don't want this to be another heartbreaking episode in my life. when does it end?