hyperventilating

it doesn't seem fair, that i can't have anything i want. i wanted THAT PERSON, all for myself, i wanted them to love me like i loved them. but no, i couldn't have that.
i wanted them for a friend, but that was taken away from me too.
i want to get the atar score i need to get into melbourne for psychology, but it seems i'm too much of a pathetic failure to have that.
i want to be thinner, fitter, stronger. but my weaknesses triumph every time.
i can't even find the things that i lost.
and as i write this, i feel selfish, because i guess i do have a lot, compared to some. i've experienced first-hand the joy that can be brought to people's lives by building them a tiny shelter to teach their kids to read and write in. i've seen how some people live, with next to nothing, and how happy they are. so why can't i be appreciative and hopeful like them?
the world is so twisted and wrong. so are people. i'd trade places with the beautiful Anita of the Tagamenda Single Mother Centre in Iringa, Tanzania, if only this ache that plagues me night and day would go away. loneliness, regret, failure. give me back those mountains i climbed, and the waterfalls we swam near, the friendships we formed and the smiles we brought to other people's faces. it feels like a dream. reality is loathesome.