hyperventilating

it doesn't seem fair, that i can't have anything i want. i wanted THAT PERSON, all for myself, i wanted them to love me like i loved them. but no, i couldn't have that.
i wanted them for a friend, but that was taken away from me too.
i want to get the atar score i need to get into melbourne for psychology, but it seems i'm too much of a pathetic failure to have that.
i want to be thinner, fitter, stronger. but my weaknesses triumph every time.
i can't even find the things that i lost.
and as i write this, i feel selfish, because i guess i do have a lot, compared to some. i've experienced first-hand the joy that can be brought to people's lives by building them a tiny shelter to teach their kids to read and write in. i've seen how some people live, with next to nothing, and how happy they are. so why can't i be appreciative and hopeful like them?
the world is so twisted and wrong. so are people. i'd trade places with the beautiful Anita of the Tagamenda Single Mother Centre in Iringa, Tanzania, if only this ache that plagues me night and day would go away. loneliness, regret, failure. give me back those mountains i climbed, and the waterfalls we swam near, the friendships we formed and the smiles we brought to other people's faces. it feels like a dream. reality is loathesome.

my obsession

sigh...

actually, i'd love to live on the moon.

ernie says, in his amazing song, "though i'd like to look down on the earth from above, i would miss all the places and people i love, so although i might like it for one afternoon, i don't want to live on the moon." whilst there are a great deal of people i love here on the earth, these days i feel so awful, and am so easily dragged down into a pit of depression, that i don't think i'd mind living on the moon. it'd be a tad lonely, i'll admit, but perhaps the change of pace would be nice. additionally, there is no gravity on the moon, so i'd have heaps of fun bouncing around and stuff. and i could have such a fantastic view of the stars... maybe, in my spare time, because i'd imagine i'd have a rather lot of it if i lived on the moon, i could visit other planets. like pluto, which i am determined to keep believing is a planet, despite what stupid obnoxious scientists say. there's just not much on this earth that makes me happy anymore, so i figure, it's time for a change of location. and the moon seems as good a place as ever to start afresh. "so if i should visit the moon, well i'll dance on a moonbeam and then, i will make a wish on a star, and i'd live there forever, amen."

I Don't Want To Live On The Moon.

a beautiful song from childhood...sung originally by ernie of sesame street aka jim henson. pure amazement.

i hate you, you stupid antisocial black hairball with creepy green eyes.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYYYYYY!?!?!??!!??!?!???
argh. stupid cat. i hated you from day one but i never wanted you to get LOST!
here, kitty kitty kitty. nice kitty. please come home before your mummy and daddy do, otherwise they will kill me for losing their pet, and i'll never be hired as a house sitter ever again. please come back, because if you do there'll be lots of nice cat food for you to eat, and stuff. i might even buy you a special treat.

i

am

extremely

worried.

okay? so leave me alone.

i'd rather not be a seagull.

if you love me, let me go
pearls would be my favorite thing...

back to that...BAR IN TOKYO. please?

disclaimer: i am not nude. i'm wearing a singlet.

This is no Bridget Jones!!

so,
what the fuck do you do when people that you love the most, unintentionally cause you the most pain? and you can't tell them, because doing so would be to hurt them, which you would never ever do, because you love them?
i don't want this to be another heartbreaking episode in my life. when does it end?

a calico bear covered in ink

stop. WHINGE TIME!
i feel as though the closeness i felt to my friends and my cohort upon finishing year twelve has dissolved somewhat, and i rarely speak to anyone but for a few people these days. yes, examinations approaching does count for some of this, but i feel like it's more than that. there are people i don't even want to talk to anymore, and people who i am sure don't want to talk to me. on a happier note, there are people who i never really was close to before, who i am starting to get to know recently, and they are amazing. but, this feels a bit backward, or perhaps premature. aren't you supposed to make those new and amazing friendships BEFORE you graduate? and then maintain those close friendships you've always had/recently developed, whilst simultaneously the friends who weren't really friends gradually fade away? so this feels all wrong. there is far too much social confusion right now for my guilt-ridden and tortured brain to deal with. as for my heart, i'm not even going to go there. i can't wait to have my life back, for this painful period in my life to be over, to be able to do what i like for a while without feeling guilty about not studying. i can't wait to see the people i love, and spend time with them doing the things we love, and most of all getting onto the list of things to do after exams which gets added to everyday. i also would like a dorky tartan hat.

the laughter for the day is...

"don't know why Y didn't come"

"there's a light at the end of each tunnel, you shout, 'coz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out"

dreaming

a photo taken by a very dear friend. is it not beautiful?

what am i to you?

she is truly amazing...

"come away with me, and i will write you a song"

geez louise!

these people are simply lovely. in particular, the gentleman on the left. he lights up my life.

in my day...

some things from childhood that are so much better than now, and cause me to pity the children of today that have to put up with such ridiculousness...

telletubbies - tubby custard you could buy at the supermarket which tasted awesome (pink yogurt, anyone?), the blue vacuum cleaner that looked like an elephant, characters whose vocabulary extended beyond 'booobahhh' and who weren't morbidly obese, rather, just cutely chubby. and, they embraced homosexuality (tinky winky, enough said), and they had a live and extremely cute laughing baby for a sun.

while we're on the subject of television, we actually had good tv shows, such as johnson and friends, arthur, hey arnold, the ferrals, george and martha, the ORIGINAL rugrats and many more. now what do they have? ben ten? as if that compares to SAILOR MOON or the adrenalini brothers. also, the occasional pointless but totally original cow parade, in which they sang 'mamini mamini mamini moo, maaah, meeeh, moo!'

outdoor activities. from building cubby houses that fell down within 5 minutes, to bikes and scooters, and drawing with chalk on the footpath. endless hours of exposure to vitamin D and other good things. plus, we made heaps of friends. nowadays, it's playstation, government-approved playgrounds (read, plastic boxes a foot above the ground and monkey bars that are extremely stiff) and kiddie laptops featuring franklin the turtle and dora the explorer all the way.

cool food, like cheezles you wore like rings, and those freakish cheese sticks that melted in your lunchbox and stuck to the wrapper, and dunkaroos. now its all processed, colour-free, fat-free, flavour-free and taste-free. why not just feed your kids packing foam?

while i am not advocating super-unhealthy food that makes kids fat and sick, what has happened to happy meals? the whole point of a happy meal from mickey-dee's when you were a kid was that it made you HAPPY, because it was a treat to be allowed to eat skinny fries saturated in deep-fried salty goodness, and chicken nuggets that we later found out were made from rabbit, and watered-down cups of coke filled to the top with ice. not to mention the super-junky but awesome in our eyes toy that came with the meal. in present times, chips have become apple slices, nuggets are weird shaped pasta with stuff inside, and fizzy drinks that make kids go nuts for an hour and then crash are strange juices. why not just make that stuff at home? the point of a happy meal was that parents don't have to cook, and kids get a break from broccoli and mashed potato. if you're going to feed your kid a 'healthy' happy meal, you're better off making a trip to safeway.

and that's all i got for now, but yes. i can safely say, my childhood rocked. the end.

presenting the valedictorians of 2010

the ones who mean the most

everyone's favorite drag queens

we no longer pretend.

friendship is going to kiss someone on the cheek and accidentally kissing them on the neck. but you both laugh anyway, because you know you'll always be there for each other, no matter what. i don't give a damn about sounding cliche, if i can have you for a friend, then bring on the rain.

an unsure pen

"if i can't love you as a lover i will love you as a friend"
what. a. lie.
considering, you won't even let me have the latter option. which i'd imagine you'd prefer. but you won't even give me a chance. and i'm done apologising, i'm done bending over backwards to try and make you happy. i was there for you from the start, i listened to you every time even though my heart was breaking, but the minute you find out something you don't want to know, you run away like a little bitch, and i'm left yet again to pick up the pieces. i hate the idea of ending what has been such an amazing year on a bad note, and so i won't. i refuse to be dragged "by the wrist into a pit to be devoured" be despair, i've been there one too many times before, only this time i have a feeling you'll be more than happy to leave me to struggle to get myself out. so i'm not going to even go there. i'm sorry i couldn't be the person you wanted me to be, but i guess i never really knew what exactly that was. i still believe you're a good person, i've seen that in you. but i can't attach myself to that person anymore. because i need to be strong, and right now all this is doing is making me weaker. i have so many amazing people in my life. it seems a pity that you no longer want to be one of them. just know, i don't hate you. i'm just confused as to how you wanted this to turn out.

these are the best days

we are the best

cheezu!

pj's at school...my life is complete
being drunken little things

i can't imagine not seeing them every day...

hai, cheezu.

kyou wa, ganbarimasu.

echoes on the horizon

words words words words words words words words words words words words words

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words words words words words words words words words words words words words

words words words words words words words words words words words words words

words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS

don't mean a thing, if nobody listens.

it wasn't a dream.

some things were breathtakingly beautiful...

...& some things just made us laugh. like this.

great things come in tiny packages :)

our former selves became shadows in comparison...

the best thing i've ever done.

take me back to this day...

unhappy

why do we exist in a society where we constantly feel the need to tear each other down? we pride ourselves in being 'individual' and condemn conformity, but the reality is, the second someone does something that is outside the box of the acceptable conventions, they are ridiculed, criticised, ripped to shreds. in these instances, there is never any kind of solidarity. one person is targeted, and everyone else joins in stripping them of their dignity and self-confidence. why do we have to have this constant negativity in our lives? isn't it so much better to be positive and uplifting? a good challenge to set oneself is to give out one compliment a day, if not more. you'd be surprised at how a small comment such as 'your hair looks nice today' or 'i like what you did there' can fill someone else with so much joy. it makes you feel good about yourself too. this said, be genuine. nobody likes a fake. i wish we had the kind of world that embraced individuality, rather than shut it down. dare to be different is such a bang-on phrase. because it really does take a lot of courage to really step out of the boat, away from the flock, and be different. we say that we're an accepting, tolerant society, and that it's okay to be different. but really, we're only accepting to a point. which kind of defeats the purpose, because if you're being different within the constraints of the accepted societal norms, you're actually conforming. and if you step outside of said constraints, you'll
be shot down. well baaa humbug to you. i'd rather not be a sheep, thanks.

impressed.

you can't read it, but there is an emotion for every letter of the alphabet. Miss Kirstybelle Leskie, i am impressed. love you, girl. change there may be, but you are my constant, my rock.

K.C. Kirstyfreespirit.blogspot.com

kudos

i like your eyebrows

i feel as though we're drifting apart. i don't know if this is good or bad. i'm scared of what the future holds, yet i can't seem to make myself feel for you anymore. it makes me sad to think we're not the same friends we used to be, and that it's happened in such a short space of time. for me, literally, it happened in a flash. one day we were best friends, the next, awkward strangers. i don't understand this and i'm not sure i want to. it's healing for me, in a way. but i don't want to lose you. are we even the same people we were what, two weeks ago? i'm not sure. "change is the one constant in our lives" its kind of ironic. we want consistency, and certainty, but we don't like change. i wish sometimes that i wasn't a creature of habit. if i were more adaptive, i'd probably feel less trapped. i said that i loved you, but has this become a past tense? i really hope not, because you've been an important person in my life for a long time, and i don't like to think what i would be had you not been there. please don't fade away...

hey, my hair bounces

some wise words.

unexpectedly profound

she could be a fairy...

our table...we're always greeted with such lovely words

"what is the natural state?"

the last days. they're actually here, hard as it is to believe, and this fact has made me sentimental. so i've started to take pictures, to capture memories and moments, to remind me of the beauty in the everyday. laughter, sunshine, lazy lunchtimes, singing the same words over and over, because these are the days we have to make count, and not a minute will be wasted on futility.

sunshine

this day...

pure

"ambiguous light, ambiguous sky..."

joy

win.

6 to 5 - suck it :P

anotherlittlephotoblog.blogspot.com

Long Walk.

today i learned something. i learned that no matter how far apart you are from the ones you love, or for how long, if you're truly best friends, you will always be just as close, and love each other just as much, and no amount of time or distance can change that. because best friends are forever, and forever trumps time.
even though we have no sense of direction, we can always find each other.
we might be disorganised at times but we will always manage to spend time together.
and even though so much has changed in both of our lives, our friendship remains the same.
it's comforting to know that we can pick up right where we left off, despite the uncertainty of a world constantly in a state of flux, and now that i know this i will remember it even when we are separated by oceans, and thousands of miles. and i hope we can remember that we're still both under the same ebony sky, separated only by the sea. our friendship has been a long walk, of which i am thankful for every minute, a walk that will continue on into the rest of our lives.
i love you, my best friend.
forever.

a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside a bitch

you take delight in my pleasure,
i take pleasure in your pain,
you made me choke on your sugar-sweet words,
until i broke free of those chains,
you chased me halfway across the world,
and i followed you a quarter-ways back,
then i watched in horror as your plans unfurled,
and the stars disappeared, and the sky turned black.
the ice bergs are melting now,
and i can't seem to find my way around,
i never used to be afraid of the dark,
or monsters under my bed, but since you happened,
it's been impossible to find my ground,
you shook my world, rocked me to the core,
and left me in the choppy waters to drown.
but you failed, see,
because while i was removing one-by-one every piece
of your being from myself,
you forgot to get rid of every bit of me,
and so i was able to find my way back;
i just followed the song.

i like it on my desk chair ;)

sometimes the unexpected moments are the best...

the army of wrongness rampant in the world might as well march over me

...it's better to look at the sky than live there

just, thanks. :)

regret. secrets and lies. distortions. facade. neglect. careless. failure. tears. tantrums. pain. nightmares. blurred memories. change. fear. angst. wasted time. missing.


what's the point?